i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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