I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
