you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
