my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
