All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
