My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
