Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
