If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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