my soul wont recognize me after tonight
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
