yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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