you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
