happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
