My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize