My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
