I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
