I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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