i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
