alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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