Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
