Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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