i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
