Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
