dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
