What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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