She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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