yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
