Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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