I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize