I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
