I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
