So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
