so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
