Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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