bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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