I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
