My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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