highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
