The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
