you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
