Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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