the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
