is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
