she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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