dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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