I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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