you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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