im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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