did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just blew my weed a kiss
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
