i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize