I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
