Need sex. Gaining weight.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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