in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
