This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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