She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
