My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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