I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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