I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
