I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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