theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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