Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
