I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
