he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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